


Damnit Lenkov, This Is What I Wanted

by kho



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6226216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am throwing this story away, but thought I'd share it on it's way out.  This is how i wanted toe Catherine thing to go.  This is the ONLY way I could see forgiving Catherine on Steve's behalf.  And yes, I was a fan of McRollins and loved Cath before she left him TWICE in horrible ways.  So.  No spoilers, just.... post 6x3, what I WANTED to happen but tonight's show says won't be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damnit Lenkov, This Is What I Wanted

Danny punches his fists into the bed. He’s been having difficulty sleeping as it is and now, just as he’s about to drift off into a likely fitful and nonrestful slumber, the damn phone rings. He checks the caller id and sees a number he doesn’t recognize and sighs heavily. “Detective Williams.”

“Hey.”

He blinks. “Woah.” He rolls over and swings his legs over the side of his bed and sits up, blinking and rubbing at his eyes. “Catherine?”

A low half laugh confirms it. “Hey, Danny.”

He feels ire and worry both rise up in his chest. “You all right?”

“No,” she says, and then another laugh. Just as low and just as unamused. “I mean, yes. Nothing for you to worry about.”

He hangs his head and scrubs at his face some more. “You back?”

“No,” she says. “But that’s why I’m calling.”

He sighs and leans back against the headboard, running a hand through his hair. “Catherine.”

“I know Danny.”

“You know.”

“You hate me. I know.”

He frowns, chewing on his bottom lip. “It’s not hate, Cath. It’s…”

“I know. I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I didn’t want to.”

“No,” he hedges, smiling slightly in a bitter sort of way. “That wasn’t a lie? I ask you if you’re going to stay, stop jerking Steve around with this little game of here I am, no I‘m not, this bullshit game all dressed up as cute, and stay. And you say yeah.”

“I didn’t say yes, and it’s not a game.” She sighs, long and loud in his ear. “It’s not a game, Danny. I love Steve. More than you know.”

He snorts. “Okay.” He scrubs at his eyes. “Listen, I’m tired, and yes, I’m pissed at you, and because I’m tired I’m finding it real hard to not be rude. And I’m not a rude guy, Cath. I’m not a rude guy but I’m finding it really hard to not be a complete dick to you right now. It’s probably better if we--”

“It wasn’t a lie, Danny,” she yells, and then she mumbles something to herself that he can’t hear and there’s a shuffle on her end as she must shift around. “Listen to me. Listen. Do I strike you as the jerk around type? Do I strike you as the flaky, flightly, doesn’t have her head on straight type of girl, Danny?”

Danny blinks at her tone and smiles. “No.”

“Okay then, give me a little credit would you?”

“Cath what am I supposed to think?”

“I know, okay? But. I said there’s nothing more I want than to stay, and that’s not a lie. It wasn’t a lie then and it’s not a lie now.”

Danny flashes to look of betrayal on Steve’s face when he’d told him.   The I’m not good enough. The I’m not enough, period. The she needs more than I can give her. The she’s choosing looking for her place in life over building one with me. It’s not hard to hold onto his anger.

“I told you,” he says, and he’s tried not to take it personally, he really has, but the fact of the matter is he did. He’d considered Catherine a personal friend, not only Steve’s girl. He’d spoken to her human to human, real and 100% straight. “I told you how it wrecked him, Cath. I laid it out straight for you, I didn’t hold back and try to make you feel better about it or cushion it, because I know Steve would never admit it. He’d never admit how much you staying in Afghanistan and being gone and _silent_ for so long wrecked him. But you needed to know. You needed to not do it to him again. I _told you_ , and you did it _that fucking day_ Catherine!”

“Why do you think I did it that day, Danny,” she shouts back, and he’s sure she’s crying. He feels awful about it, but not awful enough to apologize. “That’s exactly why I did it that day. _You_ are why I did it that day.”

“Wow,” Danny says, feeling it like a punch to the gut. It’s a huge struggle to not say _fuck you_ to that, then and there. “You’re gonna blame it on me? You’re gonna sit there and tell me it’s my fault?”

“Yes,” she says, and then another sigh. “No. I don’t know, Danny. I just. I had a week before I needed to go. I was going to… I don’t know, I just wanted to be with him that last week before I had to leave but after talking to you I knew it would be cruel.”

“Had to leave,” he asks. “You know what? I have to earn money to take care of my daughter. I have to take her to her doctor appointments. I have to put food on her table. Those are have to’s, Catherine. You going off to find your purpose independent of Steve, that’s a want. That’s a selfish, inconsiderate desire. That’s a bullshit college girl find yourself knee jerk want. Not a need.” 

“You’re right,” she says, and he’s actually legitimately shocked. “If that was what this was, then yes. You’re right.”

He blows out a frustrated huff. “What are you not saying?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you,” she says. “It’s why I called, but… I knew you’d be angry with me, but I actually kind of didn’t think you’d be _this_ angry.”

And there it is. Despite feeling like he has every right in the world to be furious, he still feels guilty for making her feel bad. That’s what growing up with so many damn women in the house will do to a guy.  “Say it.”

“I lied to Steve,” she says. “The reason I gave her for leaving. It’s not why I left.”

He digs a knuckle into his eye, headache pounding in his head. “What are you saying.”

“Doris, Danny,” Catherine says, and he stops breathing entirely. “Joe asked me to help him find Doris, and that’s why I left. That’s where I went.”

“You’ve got to be.” He cuts off, blood rushing in his ears. “Catherine, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Why wouldn’t you tell him that?”

“Because what if we don’t find her? What if we find her and she’s dead? What if we find her and she won’t come back? What if what we find is uglier than the uncertainty Steve already has about her,” Catherine says, sounding strong and sure of herself. Stronger and surer than she had the rest of the conversation. “Danny if I lose Steve forever because I protected him from a horrible truth that he’s better off not knowing, I’m okay with that.”

He closes his eyes and lets it all sink in. “He would never, ever want that, Cath.”

“I know he doesn’t think he does. He thinks he wants the truth, but what if it’s something that just shatters him even more? He’s been through too fucking much, Danny.”

He nods and feels completely at a loss. The anger is gone but the spinning is still there and he doesn’t know what the overriding emotion is now. He can’t define it. “I know.”

“You know I’m telling you the truth, right,” she says, softly.

“Yeah,” he says. “I think you’re wrong, but yeah. I know.”

“Am I,” she says. “Really, Danny? Because what we’re learning, I don’t--”

“Stop,” he says, holding up a hand even though she can’t see it. He shakes his head. “Don’t. Don’t tell me. I will not lie to him, Catherine. I’m not going to be yet another fucking person in his life that hides everything important from him. Whatever you don’t want him to know, don’t tell me.”

“I’m so torn,” she says, and she sounds so small and frail. She sounds like she needs a hug, and despite everything he wants to give her that. If nothing else, he wants to give her a hug. “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, Danny. Joe is so certain. Joe is… He is so sure. And it makes sense. And I agree. But then I think about Steve and. I love him so much, Danny, you don’t understand.”

“I can’t be this person,” Danny says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Catherine. I know you want me to be the person to tell you what to do. I made a promise though. I made him a promise in my head, after watching him hurt and struggle to deal with and swallow all the lies he got from his father, from Doris, from Joe. I won’t do it. I know you and Joe both are coming from a good place, but you’re wrong. You’re just wrong.”

“You’re a good friend Danny,” she says, and he can practically see the look on her face. The half smile, the sad eyes. It breaks his heart. “At the very least I want to be certain before I tell him. I don’t want to go back to him with more halves. Just give him more questions.”

“There’s a way to do this, Catherine,” he says, sighing. “There are ways to do this without lying. Tell him you’re looking for Doris. Tell him that you’re not going to give him details until you know facts. He’ll understand that. He won’t like it, but it’s not lying.”

“You think I should?”

“You don’t, I will,” Danny says, nodding sharply. “I told you. I’m not going to lie to him.”

“Danny.”

“No. You cannot ask me to not tell him,” he says. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to call me and confess your sins and have me give you absolution. You are my friend. I hold my friends very close to me. But Steve. Steve is first.”

“I understand,” she says.

He sighs, and sinks further into the bed. “What are you going to do, Cath? Are you going to tell him or am I? Is that what this is? Passing off the buck to me?”

“No, I will. I won’t tell him everything, but you won’t have to lie to him, Danny,” she says. He feels immensely relieved. “I’m sorry for everything. You believe me right?”

Three hours later the phone rings. He knows it’s Steve before he even looks at the caller id. “She called.”

“You knew?”

“Since 11, yeah.”

“Swear Danny. Swear to me you didn’t know.”

Danny can hear the catch in his voice, the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, and underneath all of it, buried but still there, the relief. “Steve? I have never lied to you and I never will. Not ever.”

“Please don’t, you’re the only one left who hasn’t,” Steve says, and he doesn’t even say goodbye before he hangs up.

Its only then that Danny is able to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


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